Nancy S. Caplan, Esquire

Nancy S. Caplan, Esquire
Bend Don't Break- Mediate!

Pages

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

“Conscious Uncoupling”- Just a New Age Fancy Name for Good Old Mediation

Thank you Gwyneth.  Through your ingenious although somewhat elitist/pretentious announcement of separation, you have brought the idea of peaceful negotiations to the forefront of family law. Specifically “Conscious Uncoupling” refers to drawing upon “feminine energy” to engage in peacemaking, nurturing and healing to address the separation situation and to reject “masculine energy” which keeps us in “attack mode.”  What?  That sounds like a fancy way to describe separation, divorce and custody mediation.  It’s just mediation.  

It’s agreeing to make a positive decision to address a very bad/sad/mad situation.   To respond without undue reactivity.  To get what is fair without vengeance.

This probably sounds like a bunch of hooey to the angry and shocked spouse.  To the spouse whose life is being unraveled by the choice of the spouse who took vows to protect you, not throw you away!  To the spouse who suddenly realizes that he or she will only see about 50% of their children’s lives!  To the spouse who sees retirement suddenly as an unattainable goal! To a grown man or woman forced to live with a relative!  I could go on and on.  The exclamation marks are an understatement.

Remember the old adage (I’m paraphrasing): We are not judged by what happens to us, but by our response to what happens to us.  Easier said than done.

It is ridiculous to suggest that the fury this situation engenders is so easily pushed to the back burner.   A fancy, Hollywood divorce is not the typical situation, where lack of money is unlikely to be an obstacle to either party’s future.   Hollywood stars may be more accustomed to absences from their children.   These people are not most people.

So how does one get to mediation- to the place where settlement is the goal; where lawyers are used as advisors and not advocates, where the neutral mediator guides the couple to a fair, practical and final result?   Follow me down the AVENUE to recovery.

Accept your rage, fury, sadness, grief and fear; it won’t go away.
Vent it in the forum which will do the most good- friends, family, a therapist is best; and lots of it.
Eject the past- what choice is there? It’s gone.  Eject it.  Exorcise it. Evolve.  Lots of EEs.
Never involve your Children.  Never. You may fail sometimes but this should be your goal.
Unwind. Take baths, yoga classes, meditate.  Exercise. Borrow a beach house.  Eat Pray Love-Style.
Ego rebuilding.  Get fit; get a job; get out there and socialize.

It’s all been said before, but when one is in the horrible moment, clutching these trite "to do" lists soothe us and chants back at our inner, angry voices.  

This is the antidote to your poisonous situation. The antidote is not retaliation.   It is specifically the opposite.   Your emotions must be handled as a separate subject outside of your spouse, so that you can focus on the tedious and practical issues of scheduling children and dividing assets and debts.

The Mediator keeps you focused on those goals. The Mediator does it in far less time and for far less money.  The Mediator provides the process to move past your past and resolves your future.  It may not be a better future at this minute, but it’s not the now-painful past.   The Mediator guides you in that direction. Privately and confidentially.  The Mediator gauges the fairness of the negotiation.  The mediator looks for shared interests (i.e. the children, your joint credit, the success of the other for the purpose of a bright financial future for the children.)   The mediator helps redirect the conversation when the inevitable emotional bleeding leaks into the negotiation.

Calling it “feminine” vs. “masculine” energy sort of seems divisive to me as a mediator so I don’t like the description although I live the concept.  But yes, it’s a conscious decision to make a positive step towards moving forward and healing.  Intellectually, most of the involuntarily separating parties understand this.  They just need a little help.  So Gwyneth and Chris, thank you.  You are not too rich, or too famous to recognize that no good comes from a process which prolongs the pain of parting; which tears the children apart; which wallows in the ugliness of the what happened in the marriage; which costs too much time, money, energy, good will, and frankly takes a toll on your health.  
Conscious Uncoupling?  OK.  Call it what you like.  It’s the mediation process by any other name.   It’s a wise choice for almost everyone going through separation and divorce.


Choose an attorney and you are choosing an adversarial process.  Choose a mediator and you are choosing a settlement process.  Choose Nancy Caplan, Esquire at Maryland Divorce Mediation and Legal Services.  

5 comments:

  1. What I get from this article is that a mediation lawyer helps with finding peace between the divorced couple. Is what I said right? I want to make sure that I understand what mediator is. http://www.divorcemediationtallahassee.com/

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for your miracle Doctor Osemu Okpamen

    This article is dedicated to the Doctor Osemu Okpamen. I have been married with my wife for 5 years and recently she broke up with me and it hurt me deeply when she told me to leave her alone and that she does not love me anymore when i was always faithful and honest to her. I tried all the ways to get her back buying her what she wants like i always did and she still left me heart broken and she even has a new boyfriend which destroyed me even more until a friend of mine from high school directed me to this genuine spell Doctor called Osemu Okpamen. This man changed my life completely. I followed everything he told me to do and my wife came back begging for me back. I was stunned everything happened exactly like he told me. I had faith in everything he told me and everything was true. Also he was there every moment until i got my happiness back and he also provides spells that cures any diseases & sickness. You could contact him via email at { Doctorokpamenspelltemple@yahoo.com } or visit his website http://www.doctorokpamenspells.com or reach him on +1 (914)-517-3229, +2348135254384. He will help you in anything you need and quick to answer once you contact him.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My heart was filled with remorse and pain for the past 7 months when my husband ended our marriage and went to his EX lover because i was unable to give him a son. I was so devastated and almost committed suicide because of the love and affection i had for my husband. I searched and asked everyone i knew for help but all my efforts were useless not until i was refereed to Doctor Casera by Oliver who i met online that he could be of help to my marriage for he has helped her before. I got in touch with the Doctor and i poured out everything i had in mind to him and he encouraged me and promised to make me smile and make me live a better life by getting my husband back with his powers between just 24 hours. I believed in him and to my very eyes, my husband came on his knees pleading for forgiveness to come back and rectify his mistakes and today we are living with so much Joy and happiness. If anyone out there needs help of any-kind, get in touch with the Doctor now for he will help you out.. E-mail: relationshipsolutionhome@hotmail.com OR call/text: +1 (518) 460-6400 & website: http://relationshipsolutionhome.webs.com/

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good day everybody my name is Mrs Caroline Gilli am here to share with you my life experience how a great man called Dr Alexzander saved me and my marriage.I have been Married & Barren for for 5 years i had no child. i have never been pregnant i was a subject of laughter from my Friends & neighbors, i almost lost my marriage because of this issue.i was so confused that i did not know what to do until i came across this great Dr online and i contacted him at once i was scared weather it was going to work because i never believed things like this before, so i decided to give it a try and i did all what Dr Alexzander asked of me and today to my greatest surprise i took in the first time and i gave birth to a bouncing baby boy and now my marriage that was about crashing before is now restored. my husband now love and want me better, Am so happy for everything that have been happening my life since i met this Dr Alexzander.
    I want to tell all the women out there who have a similar situatio like that the world is not over YET they should dry up their tears and contact this great man and their problem will be gone or are you also having other problems you can also contact Dr Alexzander, here is how you can contact him alexzanderhightemple@gmail.com Or Contact him via his whats-app number +2348075823891.
    Thank Dr Alexzander for everything you did in my marriage.
    Thanks
    Caroline Grilli

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm Nora Vargas. I feel so joyful today because of the help Doctor Zakuza has rendered to me for getting my Husband back. I've been married for 6 years and it has been so terrible because my husband was cheating on me and was seeking for a divorce. But when i came across Doctor Zakuza facebook page on the internet [ https://www.facebook.com/doctorzakuzaspelltemple ] posted by a lady, i decided to get in touch with him and i explained my situation to him and then seek his help but to my greatest surprise he told me that he will help me with my case for there is no problem without a solution. Here i am celebrating because my Husband is back home and am really enjoying my marriage and what a great celebration. I will keep on testifying on the internet because Doctor Zakuza is truly a helper who God has sent to help us all. Why not contact Doctor Zakuza now if you are facing any challenges in your relationship life. Contact him now via E-mail: [ Doctorzakuzaspelltemple@yahoo.com ] Facebook Page: [ https://www.facebook.com/doctorzakuzaspelltemple ] OR Call me for more info +1 (516) 277-6702 USA.

    ReplyDelete